Twice I have left men that I love. Not because they did something wrong, but because the love just couldn’t be.
The first one, oh he was something special. So much like the man I always dreamed about – strong, manly, he treated me with tender and respect. He was proud of me when most other man have been scared cause I’m strong and successful. For him this was amazing and something good and he loved to tell people about me. And at the same time as I was this strong, successful carrier woman he also made me feel vulnerable, female, taken care of and he really saw me. I could lay down to rest by his side, his arms around me. I could walk safe in the dark, his hand in mine, I could give in and surrender to love making with this man that did everything for me.
Why I left him? Well, as good as he was to me I just couldn’t stay. When he told me about his life, his network and his business. Let’s just say they’re on the dark sida of society. I knew that me and my family was put to risk staying with him. So I left. But everyday since then I have missed him. I still love him. I always will! No other man has treated me better and if he would one day call and say that his life has changed. I will be right back with him. No doubt!
The second man that I loved and left. Well ha was almost everything that the first one was, minus the bad boy stuff… I have really no good reason to walk out on this love… Except the fact that he is nine years younger than me. And let’s do the maths… In these days age is nothing you might think. But for a woman in the middle of life it’s everything cause I know that later on he will want to have all those things that for most people come with love and family. And I can’t give him that then. And then he will leave me for sure. And I already know that I can’t take that. So I left him.
I’m starting to think that love is not for all of us… Yes for sure I have loved and yes there has been men in my life. Good man that said they loved me. But still here I am. Lonely somewhere in middle of life. Not very old, but not young anymore. Can it be that some of us just happens to always fall for the wrong ones? Either they’re not very good men or they are good but life is just wrong at the moment, impossible to be together. Is love for all? Is lasting love for all? I don’t think so. Maybe some of us are destined to love but always knowing it won’t last.
There are men in my life, men that are no longer around but I still love them. Men I had to leave cause things just weren’t meant to be, but the love was there then, and it still is? Am I one of them destined to feel so much, and love so much but there will never be that one person for me – the one til the end? I’m starting to believe that. It hurts me, it breaks me, it makes me cry… But maybe it’s my destiny? I need to think about this, cause then it means that I can love unconditionally without thinking of tomorrow, cause there are none…
Ok, I admit that it was me who called this off. I did it and yes I meant it… Still, how the hell am I gonna let you go? I can’t imagine life go on without you in it. Still all the same reasons still exists! You live there, me here. You very young, I’m older. Me, not seeing myself move there, you can’t see yourself here. And even so… in some years the age different will remind itself over and over, til we start to hate each other. I cant do that. I think its better to let go of you now my love, while we still feel love and not hate.
But how do you let go of someone when you love them? When they didn’t do anything to hurt you, upset you, break you… When all they did was beautiful and tender… Oh my, is there a right way to do this? Is there a manual? A handbook for love, or even better A handbook for impossible love. For love that shouldn’t have been in the first way?
But I can’t regret I let this happen… I can’t think that it would have been better if we never had met. Even though this hurts like hell right now it has been some of the best days in my life… The best days. I would do it all over again. It’s just this – the ending, how do we do it? I don’t know and if I did know… I guess there would still be a lot of mistakes. Handbook in love, what a load of crap.
I won’t call you no more. I want to, but I wont… Cause thing is that it just hurts to much right now. I can still feel you holding my hand, looking in to my eyes, touching my skin, kissing my neck… Your voice when you say my name, the smell of you.
I can’t call you no more cause I have to protect myself. I told everyone that I could do this. That I knew about the obstacles like age, distance, culture… That I was just going to enjoy the moment and leave it to that. But I can’t do it! I thought I was strong, but I was naive… Even though I should have some experience in life and love by now I didn’t know… Or did I? Did I just want it to much?
Anyway, I wont come to see you no more… There is no we – it never were…
When you looked in to my eyes that night I knew you had things you wanted to say. I could feel all through my body that you felt exactly what I felt for you. But we had that agreement – no feelings involved. Lets just meet and spend time together for as long as we both want to.
Living so far away from each other that seemed like a fine agreement. The thing is I feel for you, hard and a lot. I love you. I can never tell you and still, that night I saw in your eyes that you love me to. But you will never say those words to me. Just feel them…
So I left you, got on a plane and flew back to where I’m from. But my heart stayed in your house. Its laying there next to you in bed, as close as can be. My heart is with you and though you don’t know… I know that you do, the same way I feel your heart is here with me now.