Love that can’t be

Twice I have left men that I love. Not because they did something wrong, but because the love just couldn’t be.

The first one, oh he was something special. So much like the man I always dreamed about – strong, manly, he treated me with tender and respect. He was proud of me when most other man have been scared cause I’m strong and successful. For him this was amazing and something good and he loved to tell people about me. And at the same time as I was this strong, successful carrier woman he also made me feel vulnerable, female, taken care of and he really saw me. I could lay down to rest by his side, his arms around me. I could walk safe in the dark, his hand in mine, I could give in and surrender to love making with this man that did everything for me.

Why I left him? Well, as good as he was to me I just couldn’t stay. When he told me about his life, his network and his business. Let’s just say they’re on the dark sida of society. I knew that me and my family was put to risk staying with him. So I left. But everyday since then I have missed him. I still love him. I always will! No other man has treated me better and if he would one day call and say that his life has changed. I will be right back with him. No doubt!

The second man that I loved and left. Well ha was almost everything that the first one was, minus the bad boy stuff… I have really no good reason to walk out on this love… Except the fact that he is nine years younger than me. And let’s do the maths… In these days age is nothing you might think. But for a woman in the middle of life it’s everything cause I know that later on he will want to have all those things that for most people come with love and family. And I can’t give him that then. And then he will leave me for sure. And I already know that I can’t take that. So I left him.

Is lasting love for all?

I’m starting to think that love is not for all of us… Yes for sure I have loved and yes there has been men in my life. Good man that said they loved me. But still here I am. Lonely somewhere in middle of life. Not very old, but not young anymore. Can it be that some of us just happens to always fall for the wrong ones? Either they’re not very good men or they are good but life is just wrong at the moment, impossible to be together. Is love for all? Is lasting love for all? I don’t think so. Maybe some of us are destined to love but always knowing it won’t last.

There are men in my life, men that are no longer around but I still love them. Men I had to leave cause things just weren’t meant to be, but the love was there then, and it still is? Am I one of them destined to feel so much, and love so much but there will never be that one person for me – the one til the end? I’m starting to believe that. It hurts me, it breaks me, it makes me cry… But maybe it’s my destiny? I need to think about this, cause then it means that I can love unconditionally without thinking of tomorrow, cause there are none…